Art by jen

my story

I won’t call belabor anyone point as it seems most share the same issues and confusion over what gender they felt more in line with. For me it was 1969 I was 3.5 years new when one day I became self aware. I remember looking around and thinking I am alive how is that possible and then I noticed I was a boy. It sounds crazy but I remember so much from that time , playing with the neighbors kids , playing in the dump at the edge of the trailer park we lived in, we were the second to the last trailer. trying to make mulberry wine, learning how to ride a bike. even watch man land on the moon. which was the year earlier, I use to entertain my mom with my rendition of the old soft shoe while she was doing laundy, seems like the Japanese beetles were everywhere that year.

Anyway I remember thinking I should be wearing these boys clothes so I went in my room which I shared with my sister and put on one of her dresses , I look smashing , my parents didn’t think so, they were mortified I was happy. They were not, and they Proceeded to make me feel guilty embarrassing me someway or another I think the threat was send me to school wearing dresses or something my mom doesn’t remember a single thing about it but I know my father never forgot. He made a point out of pointing out every guy dressed like a girl . He made a lot of rude comments. He wasn’t a bad person , he just wasn’t very good with kids. He was very affectionate and loved to surprising me with special gifts sort of like the Christmas story with the BB gun. Mostly my parents worked , my father in a factory my mother was a sales person for electronics. I very rearly saw her and my father was gone most every day till after 5. We didn’t have money which meant we didn’t have a babysitter to watching us ,we were on our own. My sister and I have a strong bond because of it. My father was a body builder ,health phonetic , constantly exercising when he wasn’t at work. was into the martial arts like for ever. he had the same building as Arnold Schwarzenegger although he was shorter. I was weak as a kitten, I was always getting beat up ,first the boys and then the girls, I think they liked me haha .

Art by jen

I remember thinking I would grow out of being a boy, I use to dream about being a mommy. Prince charming happily ever after. Boy was I wrong, odd thing when I first started having effects from puberty my breast started to grow. The family doctor said it wouldn’t last , i was so bummed out. Every birthday when ever I was asked to make a wish I could only think of one thing. My family always found it difficult to find out what I wanted for xmas or my birthday. When asked I would just stare at them. What could I say?

Fast forward to my teen years, I had a few girlfriends but mostly I saw them as friends ,I knew I would never want a intimate relationship with them , Though I did give it a go , it kind of grossed me out. I told my last girlfriend about how I felt about my gender and she waisted no time tellin the world. I could have been upset but she Introduced me to my first two boyfriends. That was all it took. gender dysphoria overload. I was ready but my boyfriend didn’t feel it was a good idea. He like to believe in the don’t ask don’t tell mindset.If i were to transition there would be no doubt. Since he was ten years older than me and I really loved him I didn’t want to cause any problems.

The problem caused me to fear that someone might find out. Before that I didn’t care.

40 years later I struggle for a year trying to figure out where this fear came from. I was never threatened there was no danger. I realized I was taught to fear because I cared and love someone. I wouldn’t want them to get hurt.

In my life I went through three major episodes of gender dysphoria once when I was 17 ,once when I was 30 and once again when I was 50 the first time I’m lucky to be alive the second time I cried for a month straight the last time I thought I was gonna lose my mind. I freely admit I probably did more drugs and Keith Richards Mick Jagger put together I almost OD so many times it’s not funny. I had guns to my head ,ropes around my neck stood on the edges of bridges. not to mention crawled out of cars that were completely destroyed , one car accident the vehicle burst in the flames before it even came to a stop I had to roll around and put myself out. At the time my hair was down to my butt well on one side it was ,but the other side I had a really cute Dorothy Hamill.

It took me a better part of 10 years to realize I was trying to kill myself with my crazy behavior.

See I kind of felt like I could have stopped my father from committing suicide. by the time I was 17 my father had become a raging alcoholic I spent many nights wrestling the gun out of his hand , trying to talk sense to him,,I always opted to put myself between him and the gun so he had to shoot me first. One day he succeeded ,I came home from school and found him. after the police left I told my mom and my sister leave and I stayed and cleaned up the mess,,I did it so my mom wouldn’t have to look at it.

Art by jen

when I was 30 my last boyfriend my husband ,somebody I knew forever we bought a house something about having my own place. I just broke down I couldn’t deal with it , gender dysphoria was just eating me up. My husband promised that it would happen but we needed money. Face it transitioning it’s not cheap. So I tried to put it out of my mind. Went to work , 12 14 hour days 7 days a week , that is all we did. About ten years ago my husband started to drink way to much, I managed to get him in an intervention months before he would’ve died but the damage was done he spent two more times in the ICU for a month each. The last time he didn’t come out. We spoke the day before that last visit to the icu, he told me he wanted me to deal with my gender issue. that I had sacrifice myself for everybody it was my turn. At the time I didn’t care I was so worried about taking care of him. See he just had his leg amputated because of an infection. He didn’t have a liver. It was bad, sad really. I cried for two months straight after he passed away. I didn’t eat I just laid in bed and cried.

Art by jen

A year went by and I started to come around and thought I might as well. I lost so many people friends and family in a very short time. many of my friends were younger. One was only 30. and his younger brother was 20 . I knew these kids when they were babies.

I never questioned whether I was a girl or not I know I am I don’t need a doctor or a therapist or a psychiatrist, to tell me one way or the other. I hate the gate keeping. I hate the games they play , they have you jumping through hoops. paying through the nose,,,but what really bothers me is the people that don’t have anything to do with it ,seems they have to put their two cents in. and usually it’s wrong, and it’s hurtful. I don’t know where they came up with all these crazy perversion and disgusting crap. perhaps some people are into that I’m not. i’m just a normal girl. maybe a little old fashion.

Art by jen

One thing I will say about my dearly departed was he never misgendered me ,even when he was mad. often telling me things like stop thinking like a stupid bitch. honestly it was hard to stay mad at him when he said things like that.

I am not hiding anymore. It’s not worth it. It’s no fun, there was a sense of dishonesty about hiding it. Actually I look back and think how could anyone not know? A small petite individual with really long hair always wear jewelry and my ears pierced forever. I can’t tell you how many times I was misgendered from behind not that I mind it , but i would pretend not to notice. When I think about it ,that was the only time someone got it right. i’m not a man who grew up to be a woman , I’m a girl who is forced to be a man.

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